Sunday, June 19, 2011

It's the Worst Parody... in the World

Hello, and welcome to tonight's episode of Top Gear.  I'm Jeremy Clarkson, and what a show we have for you. You may remember last series when we took a look at the Empire's top line Twin Ion Engine patrol fighter and decided it was something of a death trap.  Well this year, the Empire has a new model, and we sent our resident Jawa, Richard Hammod to take a look.

Yeah, thanks for that Jeremy.  As you can see, the Empire has drastically altered the lines of the craft, and boy what an improvement over the original.  The openings in the solar wings allow for greater pilot visibility, and the engines are even more efficient, allowing the whole thing to be lighter and faster even with added structural support.  And those engines also provide power for four laser cannons rather than the original's two.  They moved the cannons out into the wings to give a greater coverage area, increasing their chances of hitting an evasive target.  Let's take 'er out and see how she does on our flight track.

Right, I'm suited up and ready to go.  As you can see, this model uses the same hanger system as last year's model.    And the cockpit is... well, it's just as cramped as the original.  Very utilitarian.  Let's fire it up, and see what it feels like.  Ooooh my goodness!  This one has a kick!  Wow!  It's even more nimble than the TIE, so I can make easy work of the turns.  Woah, it's almost too maneuverable; you really have to watch out for over-steer.  Goodness.  I think pod racers might be right at home in one of these babies.  Woohoo!  It is just a dream to fly!

Richard, you sound awfully enthusiastic about this fighter.
Yeah, James, it really is a rush to fly.  Faster, more maneuverable, and just better than the original.
Right, the TIE felt great too, but we had some real issues with what it left out.  For instance, you can't actually land it, can you?
Well no, the Bothan boffins say that landing gear and such are just so much dead weight in space.
Repulsorlifts?
No, but you don't need those when you can't land, right.
Hyperdrive?
Um, No.  Well, again that's a massive amount of added weight isn't it.
Shield generators?
Yeah, no.

So it's another death trap.
Well, I mean... yeah, yeah it is.  And it's a shame really, I mean it is such a riot to fly, but if you make the slightest mistake, it'll disintegrate.  There is just zero margin of error.
It is much better looking and wickedly fast, but I wouldn't have it.
Nor I.
Me neither, but I'll tell you what I would have... later in the show.  But first we have to really see how the Interceptor performs, and that means turning it over to our tame Sith pilot.  People claim that he's more machine now than man.  Some even say he's Richard Hammond's father.
(Oh now, that's not true.  That's just impossible.)
All we know is he's called Darth Stig.
And around the first corner, very neat.  Through the hammerhead, I don't think I've ever seen something this smooth, it's going to be a very quick time.  Coming up on the final corner now, really flying.  And across the line.  I've got the time here, and the TIE Interceptor has made the Top Gear Run in an astonishing point seven five of a parsec!  Just incredible.  Too bad you'd die if you tried to use it every day.

And now it's time to put a star in our reasonably priced speeder.  Please put you applause appendages together for singing sensation Sy Snootles...


[Apologies to George Lucas, and the cast of Top Gear.]

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